Hearing and expressing your needs: a key to effective leadership
" What matters most is achieving mutual respect, where everyone feels free to express their needs and to truly hear those of others. "
Marshall B. Rosenberg, American psychologist and creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Do you take the time to listen to your own needs and those of your loved ones? As a child, I made the decision that I would never let myself feel frustrated again and that I would always stay attuned to my needs, after observing someone close to me who consistently ignored theirs. So I learned to do it, and with great success.
In the bustling world of business, where leaders constantly juggle the demands of their teams, the expectations of their clients, and their own ambitions, managing their needs, and therefore their emotions, especially anger, becomes a crucial skill. That’s why I co-created a new playful tool to help identify and name our needs: the “Appetence Game.”
Understanding anger: a signal of unexpressed needs
Anger is often seen as a negative emotion that should be suppressed or avoided. However, it’s actually a valuable indicator of unmet needs. When someone feels angry, it’s often because there’s a gap between their expectations and reality. Ignoring or repressing this emotion can lead to deeper conflicts and increased stress.
For leaders, unmanaged anger can impair decision-making, damage interactions with teams, and harm the overall culture of the leadership team. Taking the time to listen to your own needs, and those of your team, not only helps defuse anger but also builds stronger, healthier relationships.
The art of expressing needs
As a leader, expressing your needs is a skill that can be developed through practice and self-awareness. Here are a few steps to help you communicate your needs, inspired by Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg. This is the OSBD method: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.
Identify underlying needs. Before you can express a need, it’s important to recognize it. This requires introspection and careful listening to both facts and emotions. What triggered the emotion? Is it a need for recognition, autonomy, respect, or something else? What need is currently unmet, and what emotion does that bring up?
Use clear, nonviolent language by avoiding “you” statements and using “I” instead.
Make specific requests. Once the need is identified and expressed, it’s essential to make a concrete request—one that the other person can either respond to or negotiate.
The “Appetence Game”: a tool to explore and express needs
This game, designed to be both playful and introspective, helps participants explore their "appetences", their core desires and needs in various areas of life and work.
The game consists of cards representing different appetences, such as the need for recognition, achievement, social connection, creativity, and more. Players are invited to select the cards that resonate most with them and explain why these needs are important. This process enhances self-awareness and encourages open, honest communication.
Integrating the expression of needs into company culture
For the expression of needs to become a regular and beneficial practice, it must be embedded into the company’s culture. Here are a few strategies to make that happen:
Training and workshops: Organize sessions on Nonviolent Communication and expressing needs at all levels of the organization.
Encourage vulnerability: Leaders should lead by example by openly sharing their own needs and encouraging their teams to do the same.
Create dialogue spaces: Set up regular meetings where employees can safely and respectfully express their concerns and needs.
Expressing your needs is an essential skill for effective and harmonious leadership. By integrating this practice into your daily life, you’ll not only ease stress but also strengthen your impact, making it a central pillar of your organization’s culture.
Reference: “Expressing Your Needs Soothes Anger,” published in issue 166 of Cerveau & Psycho, June 2024.
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